How I Come Across
When I was in Junior High, a girl in my class told me that some of the other kids thought I was stuck up. She said she knew I was just shy but thought I should know what was being said about me. I was completely shocked.
I was quiet. I was in my head. I was constantly questioning if I should say something or if it would sound stupid. In my mind, I was the opposite of stuck up. To be stuck up, I’d have to think I was better than them and that was definitely not the case.
This piece of information into how I was coming across didn’t change my behavior. The shyness and self-doubt won out. It wasn’t enough to propel me out of my shell, but it stayed with me all these years.
I have heard variations of this sentiment at different times of my life. Maybe not that I’m stuck up, but that I’m closed off or unapproachable. While no one has said it directly to me, I am pretty sure I have resting bitch face. My mind is going a mile a minute. I am not always aware of my surroundings. I’m so used to being in my own world in my head that it takes a big effort to be in a social place and exude openness.
It has come easier with time, but not without effort and awareness.
I am still shy in certain situations. I am for sure introverted, especially in larger groups, and prefer to be on the outskirts. I still sometimes might miss saying hello to people because I am so in my own thoughts that I don’t look around. There’s a fine balance between changing who you inherently are and simply making small changes that can alter people’s perceptions of you.
I recently saw some clips from Rainn Wilson’s new podcast Soul Boom with his guest Rick Glassman. Rick is talking about his autism diagnosis in adulthood and how finally understanding why he was the way he was, helped him both accept certain things about himself and also change things. He says:
We’re critical of ourselves and we’re insecure, etc. and some things are just that, an insecurity. But some things are valid. Like, it doesn’t matter what people think, just do you. But if everybody thinks this thing about you, take some accountability. This self-love movement is beautiful and necessary but not at the expense of growth.
It resonated with me because there is an urge to say, this is who I am so take it or leave it. If you think I’m unapproachable that’s on you. If you think I’m stuck up, again, that’s on you. But if I did that, the only person I’m hurting is myself. By not seeming open or unapproachable, I’m closing myself off from relationships and experiences. Why would someone want to work so hard to open me up? And why should they?
One of the first things I worked on in my most recent bout of therapy was accepting who I was. It was realizing that it was OK if I am introverted, if I am inherently quieter, if I don’t love big social events. I didn’t have to feel bad because I prefer a Saturday night at home or with a small group for dinner versus out at a large bar. It was OK if parties and dancing are not my thing. I needed to embrace who I was and have people in my life who accept me for the things I am. Basically, stop trying to be something you are not because you think that is who everyone expects you to be.
What came after that acceptance was realizing that who I am was sometimes getting in the way of where I wanted to be. This was even harder for me than accepting who I was. You are telling me to embrace myself, but then that it might be my fault that I don’t have X Y or Z?!
Finding out how you come across allows you to look at whether it is hindering relationships and opportunities you want to have. If it is, then you should make small changes so that it’s no longer holding you back. If it’s not, then you can move on…as long as you’re happy with that part of yourself.
If I want to bring new relationships and experiences into my life, then I have to push myself to be in uncomfortable spaces. I may have to force myself to at least act extroverted for certain periods of time or to get out of my head and be aware of my surroundings…something as simple as smiling or making small talk.
That’s what growth is, and it doesn’t have to be at the expense of self-love. It’s because you love yourself that you continue to learn and push and open up. It’s not because you want to change who you are, but it is because you want to be the best version of yourself, which can only come with accepting both the good and not so good and deciding whether the not so good is worth improving.
In essence, accept who you are and also accept your ability and desire to evolve.